It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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