To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
