I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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