he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
