I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
