I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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