I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can Purell be used as lube?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
