Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
