I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
