dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
