He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
