xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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