She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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