Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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