I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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