just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
