Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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