in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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