Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
