He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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