if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
