we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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