party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
