They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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