he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
