Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
