stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
