there's paper in my vomit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Mom said you looked used
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
