My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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