I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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