So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
