I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
