The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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