i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
