i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
