Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
