Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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