remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
