U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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