this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The Olympian is in my bed
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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