you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
