At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The power of my boobs compel you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
