If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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