did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
