he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
