so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
