I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
