It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
