Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
