wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
