Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
