no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
