There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
