he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
