Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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