Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
