I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
